HII STORY NI NGORI!

Alipokaa chini na kuniambia hiyo story,,

 Huku akitokwa mpaka na machozi,,

           For real bro,,

  Nilikuwa really sorry,,

  Nilitamani kumpea advice ya wale wasee kama akina Oduori,,

  But hii situation ilikuwa tu ngori,,

 

  Hivi ndio alianza,,"Nakumbuka hizo enzi,,,

  Ni kama ilikuwa jana,, Ju,,

  Ile day niliambiwa  kwangu utakuwa zaidi  ya rafiki" yaani mpenzi,,

 

 

  Ilikuwa tu SAA sita  ya mchana,,

  Huyo boy alipenda denzi,,Na aliji-introduce kama Katana,

  Aki sii alikuwa sawa,,sii height,, colour,, na mpaka nywele alikuwa akichana,,

 

  Sikuwahi muona akitumia "weed"

  So I don't know kama na ji-contradict,,

  Nikisema hakuwa "akichana",

  Nilimpenda sana mpaka nikaanza ku-dream eti Mimi na yeye  tukiwa ndani ya KCY..Mercedes       benzi,,

  Pete tukienda kuvishana,, pale kanisani  

 

  Lakini nilikuwa very wrong,

  Huyu boy aliniona kama mshenzi,,

  Nilipomwambia nampenda sana,,

  Alikuja home akiwa mlevi,, na kuanza kusema imepita miezi,,

  Na eti ilikuwa bora tukiachana,,

 

  Yaani alinidanganya eti anafanya kazi kwa ofisi,,,kumbe ni ya ujenzi,,

  Na eti pia...nilijua,,

  hakuwa M-kenya,,

  Eti ye ni M-Ghana,,

   Kumbe all the empty words.. eti mi ni mrembo,,

  Imagine alikuwa anani-compare na Akoko,,

  Yule mama ya Owuor Kembo,,

  Mpaka inamfanya ajiskie kwa kichaka kuwa ye ndio tembo,,,

  Ilikuwa tu kama ile mbiu ya mgambo,,Ambayo ikilia

  Sii unajua tu kuna jambo,,

 

  Sikumbuki tu mwaka,mwezi wiki,,,,nakumbuka pia date,,

  Vile aliniambia eti yeye Hu-deal na wasee campus,,

  Sio  wasee wa  TVET,,,

  Alianza kuni-play na yule dem alikuwa akifanya kazi Cadet,,

  Kumbe jina yake ilikuwa Chebet,,

  Na kuniambia eti alikuwa na doo juu alikuwa pia ana-bet,,

  Na pia alikuwa akitoka huko lower Kabet,,

 

  Sijui mbona aliacha hiyo " e",,

  Ndio iwe  lower Kabete,,

  Coz ilikuwa ni kama mse kuongeza "I",,

  Kwa ile poster ya house to let,,

       

 

  Although its painful,,

  Madem wenzangu..lazima niwaweke up to date,,,

  Coz watu wengine watawapima,,,

  Na kuwa-compare ndio wajue who is greater,,

  Coz these things are real,,

  Na hakuna mse anaweza tell his fate,,

  I wish ningejua nilikuwa nacheza na moto,,

  Huyo boy aliharibu zangu ndoto,,

  Alikimbia na kuniachia mpaka mtoto,,

  Niliogopa mpaka nikaanza kutokwa na chembamba kijoto,,

   Lakini,,

  God alinishika mkono,,

  Ile time watu walini-judge na kunichukia kama konokono,,,,

  Nilijua ni yeye tu atanikubali,,

  Na kwake Sai naelekaza yangu mkono,,

  Niliwasamehe wote,,akina Katana na pia Rono,,

 

  Hii dunia ni all about kuachilia yaliyopita yaani the past,,,

  Na ku-assume that all ilikuwa ni kama part of the dust,,

  Na kuweka all your believe in God,,yaani trust,,

  Kwa Sababu mapenzi yake si optional but ni a must,,

 

  Sai nimeamua ku-focus na kuwa na a sharp eye queue,,

  Kama Kenya Airways,, yaani K.Q,,

  Nimeamua kupanga line ya success,,

  Even though iko  na a long queue,,

  Na I wish nyinyi wote  mngeacha all the unnecessary yaani the excess,,,

  Na kufuata this road to success,,

      By Lennox Omondi

      2019

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SEX RUINED MY HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

by Vincent Owino

Are you dating? Are you happy? If your answer to both of these questions is yes, then you may agree with this. “A relationship begins to die the moment sex is introduced into it.” These are the exact words of a rueful varsity student who will give it all to just turn back the clock and return to just a year ago. “I will do it right I swear; I will do it all right” He says.

The third year Chuka University student [let’s give him a pseudo name, John; spoke to the Gilder Magazine on the condition of anonymity], claims sex ruined his happy relationship. He had been in a relationship with a girl for two years, which dates back to his form 4 in 2015. Many high school relationships are said to never really work out in the real world, but according to him, theirs was an exception. It was going to work. Echoing his words, she was an amazing lady; beautiful is an understatement. She was smart, principled, godly, bold and very intelligent. A rare breed of girls indeed.

Unlike many high school relationship, even though they were always miles apart, ‘sexting’ had never found its way into their relationship. They never thought about it, not the virtual one, not the real one. Maybe they were naïve, but they were both happy, and it worked out very well for them. They both finished high school (the girl a year after the guy), joined different universities, still together and happy. John explained that nothing made him happier than just thinking of that girl. She was his entire world. She meant more than the world to him, she meant heaven to him.

Then the sad part of it; they gave in to sex almost at the end of their second year in that relationship. Well, they planned, saved, met and bang! It happened! Feeling quite embarrassed and very regretful, John admitted that he suggested it. It might not look like a big deal to you, but according to John, soon after the encounter, it dawned on him how much they had both lost. They could never address each other the same way again. John says he was feeling so guilty that he had broken the most important promise he had made to her; to never give in to sex. “It’s not like she wasn’t okay with it, she was. 

Actually, she was very okay and even wanted a second time. But I wasn’t. I had wronged God, myself and the girl I loved.” Communication between them began to reduce, and yeah, we all know what happens when there is no communication in any relationship. John waited for time to save him but that didn’t seem to work. Anyway, we know the ending to this story and it isn’t a happy one.

After he shared this story with me, I decided to carry out my own survey and realized that most happy relationships in or outside campus, that lead to successful marriages are sexless; do your research. I asked a friend of mine if there is sex in her relationship and the way she looked at me, I didn’t need an answer. To be precise, sex is never in a relationship that is meant to last a lifetime. I will tell you something, ninety-nine percent of youthful today relationships are clogged with sex, that commitment finds a hard time existing in them. Explains why not 1% of marriages today are happy (do your research).

Another friend of mine, a lady, says that if she ever gets into a relationship again, the man will have to put a ring in her finger first, then they can think about sex. She, like John, learnt it the hard way. Though I might be inexperienced, I will give you the same advice John gave me, sex is the last thing you want to do in a relationship that you hope to last forever. I would have much to say of this but space limits me. Besides, sikio la kufa halisikii dawa. The few words are enough to salvage the savable.

Visit Vincent's Site

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FORGIVE YOURSELF

By Virginia Kaggia

It’s easy to forget we aren’t indestructible. Blinded by burning, scaring heights of being on the earth, it is easy to feel untouchable and firmly in control; hands on the wheel, life grasped tight and warm in both fists. We forget we don’t   possess infinite wisdom or the ability to know the outcome of every choice we make. Our skin isn’t dragon scale, our eyes aren’t all seeing and our hearts rarely have what makes sense.

We stumble, we fall.

Sometimes we let people see our tears, our anger and our passion that for some reason we struggle to hide. We love too much, too little or at the wrong time. We are quick to blame or not quick enough.

We laugh when we shouldn’t, grimace when smile should curve our lips. Our attention wander or is focused laser- precise on something not made to last, not worthy of our unwavering concentration.
We hurt ourselves, and others with intention, ignorance and regret.

Lessons learnt, a mistake made and made again, none of these is new. The people before us separated by centuries have tripped over all the same stones we do. Bleeding hearts and self-loathing have crafted stories, plays, paintings and essays that make through time to connect our despairs and joy to that of people long dead.

We are all the same in the sense that we are born knowing but a little. And yet we berate ourselves endlessly for the mistakes we make.

“I should have known better” “I should have seen the signs” “I should have listened” “I should have been there” “ I should have stayed” “I should have left” “I should have said that” “ I should have done that” “I’m stupid, how did this happen” Forgive yourself. Like all before you and all to come you’re human.

Forgive yourself for the mountains we couldn’t climb, the oceans we couldn’t swim. Forgive yourself for the waves you couldn’t ride, the tide you wouldn’t fight. Forgive yourself for not seeing the storm before the clouds, the lightning before the flash.

Forgive yourself for all the times you didn’t know better, and the times you did and acted anyway. There will be more peaks to conquer and more oceans to cross. there will be more storms to brave and moments and choices will appear before you, the opportunity to use what you have learnt.

The pain you’ve caused, the wounds you carry, the scars you hide. Don’t bear the human condition like the upon your back.

We stumble, we fall and we rise. Please forgive yourself.

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MASS ORDER DNA

By Bildad Makori


This  is quite a complex and sensitive 'bill' or matter that I think has been overlooked and BOOM! It has already been signed/approved by our Commander in Chief, His Excellency. It has already sparked heated debates across the media platforms on whether it was a right move by the president of the republic of Kenya given that this move will sort of deprive the Kenyans their right to privacy.  Also, a lot of people are in the dark, not knowing what they'll be subjected to give. Is it their saliva, blood or urine samples? Which among these? And how and when? ...Wondering of what am talking about? Worry not.You'll find out in a jiffy.

Recently, its actually last week that President Uhuru Kenyatta signed into law amendments that  will change the requirements when applying for a national Identity card ID.
The changes made to the Registration of Person’s Act will see Kenyans applying for new IDs be required to provide information about their location, land reference number and plot or house number as reported by a local daily.In addition to the requirements for new IDs, the government has now the mandate to collect DNA data of Kenyans in digital form for personal identification.“Insert biometric data … means unique identifiers or attributes including fingerprints, hand geometry, earlobe geometry, retina and iris patterns, voice waves and Deoxyribonucleic Acid in digital form,” read a part of the amendments made to the law.

Have you read that?! That the government has now the mandate to collect DNA data of Kenyans for personal identification!!! Whaaat??? Isn't this invading our privacy? I know. You also surprised as I am, right?

This move has been defended by some people that it will actually aid in curbing terrorism cases and also crime cases at large. Especially when identifying suspects linked to such cases like the most recent of all, the Dusit D2 attack. ... And so this has been overseen that it will actually help a great deal during such investigations in which truly speaking, I strongly agree with that. But here's something...

While I was listening to 2 conversations/interviews concerning this issue, there's a disadvantage that comes with this move. Its actually not a disadvantage but a RISK! Once this will be practiced or enforced, the risk that comes along with this is that peoples DNA data could actually be bought by these terror suspects or this criminal lords and use them as a cover up. These kind of criminals can actually impersonate other innocent people by buying and using their DNA data. In addition to this kind of impersonating act, paternity and marriage cases especially in regards to children ownership are also at  an even greater risk and this will lead to many serious cases.

There's a lot into this mass DNA order which I've not talked about but for more, be sure to watch this video by clicking here. In as much as its a good call by the government, a consensus  first needs to be reached. This is because this is such a sensitive matter that needs to be looked into. A lot of consultations and research and applicability over this topic needs to be made first.

A lot of elaboration and explanation needs to be made to the members of the public because believe you me, there are a lot of people out here who do not  understand an inch on how this DNA stuff will work and they even don't know how safe their DNA data will be stored hence they are scared because they are uncertain. For real,there has  not been neither an explanation nor clear elaborations  whatsoever that have been officially made by the government  over this in depth concern. I hope the government through the president will consider involving major stakeholders like the public and the parliament in such critical decision making for the nation the next time he does this.

And by the way, where are the Human Rights activists?@OkiyaOmtata,  where are you? Or is this concern not a bad one? Hmmm...

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CHARACTERSTICS OF KENYAN MANCHESTER UNITED FANS

As Kenyans we love European football. Manchester United is one of the most supported football clubs in the 254.
Even though the team has been struggling recently and even sacking their manager Jose Morinho in unceremonious announcement  the support hasn't dwindled a bit.

Only real red devil fans exhibit the following characteristics

They drop all their other plans on weekend to watch Man United game

This is a no-brainer characteristics. I know a few united fans who rescheduled their weddings upon realizing that a big match was due on weekend they were meant to tie a knot.Crazy.A real fan will also skip work, business meetings and even their own birthdays just to watch a man united game. That's passion at its best.

They probably know more facts about man united than they know their lives

Who was Manchester United boss in 1984?
Where was your family living in 1999?

Which manchester united player scored most goals in 2004?
How old was your mum in 2004?

What year was Manchester United founded?
When was your little sister born?

Don't be surprised if a Kenyan man united fan knows most of the answers to the first question than the second .

For all intents and purpose it's called loyalty and passion.

Every Manchester United girl has a big crush on Jesse Lingard, Ander Herrera, and Theo Walcott

Haha. It's all hogwash but this is true. Every girl I know confess to have undying love for the trio. They dream of meeting them and probably take a photo with them, hugs, razzmatazz unlimited. Even though Walcott is not a Manchester United player he hails from Manchester.Tabloids has it that he commutes back and forth from Liverpool and Manchester during EPL season

They have enough man united gear to clothe their entire extended family

Manchester United fans have training jerseys,limited edition jerseys ,historical jerseys, current jerseys and even torn Bobby Charlton's jerseys.
Former manchester united sponsors Vodafone will be surprised at how at how much free marketing the company is getting in Kenya.

They dream of going to Old Trafford

Old Trafford is like the Vatican for Catholics. For Kenyans supporting the most successful English club sitting in one of the 76000 seats at Old Trafford and watching a match with thousands of other fans will top all the achievement of their lifetimes.The greatest joy of being a fan is experiencing it at first hand.

Guinness is giving you a chance to meet Rio Ferdinand at Old Trafford.Visit www.guinness.com for more details.


Written by Ben Mugambi

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A FUTURE WIFE MATERIAL IN CAMPUS

Many relationships in campus are founded on basis of carnal lust and sensual debauchery. As a result very few of them manage to survive the test of time and thrive to the happy path of marriage in future.

The main reason as to why many of these relationships end up in a fiasco is the wrong choices dudes make in choosing who to date.

There is an old adage that goes this way "Behind every successful man there is a woman behind."To some extent that is true.No man in his right sense of mind would ever want to end up with a physically attractive woman who lacks intelligence.

As guys our attraction to women is sometimes basic and shallow. We get blinded by women who dazzle our eyes with visual splendour.Lipsticks,mascara,short dresses etc at the expense of reserved girls .Looks are deceiving and not all that shimmers under the sun are gems.

Every dude desires a woman of iron and steel, a paragon of virtues and decorum.And all these should be traced from campus.

Sadly,majority of campus girls are complete reversal.Many of them are party goers .They know more beer brands than the units they are doing in a semester. They gulp large quantities of alcohol than how a camel in marsabit drink water after long distance of waking.

Who's a potential wife material? To help you navigate this dicey matter I have compiled for you some distinct trait you should identify for in a girl.

Dress code

Campus girls are culprits of indecent dressing even when go to class.Rule out those girls who walk around campus donned in camisole tops exposing their navels  and booty shorts showing their thongs. Certainly, this is not the type of girl you would want to introduce to your parents as your would-be wife. They will probably disown that relationship before it happens.

Character

A campus girl devoid of good morals is an ominous sign of a future promiscuous wife likely to destroy your marriage through infidelity and siring children outside wedlock.

With rising cases of STDs ravaging modern marriage, she could be the cause of sending you to early grave before getting to your 40s.

Frugality /Spendings

This should not be interpreted that a girl should be mean with money.A mean girlfriend will most likely emaciate your kids and starve them to death.

Money is essential in any marriage. Without it very little can be achieved.Identify a wife material with the way she budgets her pocket money. No misplaced priorities or grotesque cases of conspicuous-consumption.

If she's the type who spends on irrelevant stuffs, buys guarana first instead of buying handouts,don't wife her.Money is an asset that should be guided at whatever cost.

Written by Ben Mugambi

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HOW TO PASS EXAMS WITHOUT ATTENDING LECTURES

In my past articles I have in many occasions addressed the delicate issue of truancy and how it can be detrimental to one's studies in campus. But I'm surprised at how many people still decided to give me a deaf ear.

In our class for example there are people who can never attend classes even if the lecturer is as strict as a major in the army, and no matter how dire the ramifications are.

For a long time now lecturers have been cultivating a plethora of sly lies in the minds of students that the more often you attend classes the higher your chances of doing well in exams. That narrative however, is untrue, stereotypic and ought to be withdrawn.

You can be a regular class attendee and still fail miserably. Attending class also require high level of  attentiveness which many lack.

If you are a perennial class absentee all is not lost for you. The following are the five things you can do to get an easy pass in an exam without stressing yourself into attending strings of lectures.

Attend group discussions

Group discussion is the most potent weapon to guard against dangers of truancy in campus. Simply because what you are taught by your classmates and is discussed in pairs tend to stick better in our minds than what is taught by lecturers in class. If attending lectures somehow burdens you make sure you join an active group discussion composed of geeks alone.

And mark you I said geeks alone because if you join a group where most of the members are jokers, chances of you benefiting will be very minimal. Almost zilch.

It is also advisable that if you are practising truancy you should not stick to one group discussion group. Join as many as you can. Education is a kind of energy flow trophic level taught in secondary school biology. From the time taught in class no student understand a concept one hundred percent. 70 goes to the geeks, 30 percent shared equally among the average minds in class.

Befriend a Nerd

There is always that person who attends all classes, sits in front in class and answers almost every question posed by the don. This is the type of person you should consider forging ties with.

This person probably knows all those difficult calculus sums the lecturer failed to solve in class.

If you make friend with a nerd he will be calling you over to his room from time to time for some remedial classes.

A nerd is a bookwormer and he'll be willing to teach you everything the lecturer taught in class.

Someone once said that "The choice of your friend shapes you." so if you make friend with a nerd you may end up becoming a nerd and stop missing classes.

Transnight like a Night Runner

Here the trick very simple. Borrow notes from your fellow students, copy them and spend the whole night reading them. You will be far much better than the person who just went to class and sat for a two hours lecture wrote notes and never gave a damn to read them thereafter.

Prayers

Seek divine intervention to solve this problem. Truancy is not normal. Idling around university for four subsequent months doing nothing is a matter of urgency.

So make sure you attend revival meetings, morning devotion, every Saturday and Sunday service, don't miss the fortnight keshas.

This will not help bolster your self-confidence but also will allay any anxiety that causes exams phobia.

Cheat (At your own risk)

Truant students are perversely lazy. So if you still find it difficult to practice any of the above mentioned tricks then cheating in exams remain your only option.

Students have devised so many ways of cheating that it even baffles the invigilators. You can scribble a small sheet of 'mwakenya' or sit next to a nerd where you will have an overview of his work, also known as 'giraffing'. Still you can consider sneaking your phone in the exam room. But as you do all these make sure the exam invigilator does not catch you in the act. I bet you know the repercussions. You will not like to be discontinued,will you?


In conclusion I'd like to add that anything short of the above mentioned tricks is nothing but committing academic suicide. It's more like an Al-Quieda suicide bomber trying to kamikaze the white house knowing very well that he will be killed before executing his madcap scheme. Ignore any of the mentioned tricks and we can bet that you will be placing your academics in jeopardy.

Have a truancy semester, won't you?


Written by Ben Mugambi

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WHY GIRLS ARE REJECTING YOU IN CAMPUS

The other day I was talking to a campus friend of mine and he confided in me the way girls he was planning to game have been giving him rough time one after the other. I sought to find out why and upon doing my close investigations I realized he had a problem.

First get it in your head that a girl has every right to reject you if she doesn't have deep feelings for you so avoid catching feelings at all cost. Getting angry at a girl you met a few weeks ago only give her more justification to push you away further.

She will probably say 'aki that guy is weird thanks goodness we didn't hook up."

This friend of mine is not the only one with this kind of problem. A lot of other guys I know are a lot like him.

All you need to do is to take rejection in a cool way and show her that it hasn't affected you even an inch. Otherwise you will struggle with severe cases of self-esteem when it comes to courting the opposite sex in future.

Being rejected by a girl is not a death sentence whereas I can't rule out the fact that it dents your pride and ego badly, teach yourself how to subdue your self-worth and move on. Remember that what can't kill you can only make you strong.

An old cliche has it that 'beautiful girls are not yet born' have this as your mantra and if a girl pulls a rejection slip on you the best way is to pretend that nothing happened. By doing so you will be communicating to her an innuendo that she's not the only girl with a pretty ass in this world.


Then it is extremely vital for you to conform to your league. Avoid hitting on girls who are too classy for you. Such types of girls have grown up believing that they are princess and therefore should be treated as such. It's good to be ambitious but the only way to steer out of campus stress is to play your lane. To be honest I'd like to take a girl like Ngina Kenyatta(The president's daughter) to Bahamas and tell her how beautiful her eyes are but I can't. She'll definitely give me blue ticks at my first proposal. No let me put it this way. Ngina Kenyatta doesn't know if someone like me exist in this world. So I play my league because it gives me a probability of success

The other reason why a girl can reject you is that you are not her type. Depending on preferences campus girls have types. Maybe she's looking for a guy who looks like Pascal Tokodi or Otile Brown or a guy who has Chimano's voice or Jericho Rosales's six packs. Ladies nowadays have conjured a narrative to push what they call "unattractive dudes"away. You'll hear them saying that they'd like to get married to brown skin men so they can give birth to beautiful children. It's hogwash and nonsensical but they are entitled to their fantasy and daydream. So let them be.

The best way to hit multiple girls in campus  is to prove yourself by having something special. Be unique, stand out, be distinct, prominence is key, rise up from solitary state of oblivion, be extraordinary not ordinary. You could be a great rugby player, a talented footballer, a funny comedian. An innovator of something great I don't know just do something great. That way any girl will easily fall for your charm hook line and sinker.

Get it! Upgrade your standard and get started.


Photo credit-Jeniffer Mwangi

Written by Ben Mugambi 

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Those Wishes

Sometimes I have these thoughts
Random and wild i say
Thoughts that make me smile
Smile and wish for other things
Simpler things

Right now I wish
I was born in a different age
Preferably preindustrial age
And precisely in the stone age

I know what you are thinking
That I am a party pooper
And I don't appreciate
The good things of today
Quite on the contrary I say
I will most likely miss the internet
And the baked foods and salads

But still I will be more at home
At the stone age
Imagine the thrill and blood rush
Running after game in a hunt
The excitement of collecting
Wild honey nuts and fruits

Did i mention beauty and nature
Pure and unpolluted
If only you could see and feel
What i see and feel
Where people actually love you
Truly without pretence

Where love and unity is tyrant
Helping and sharing is prospect
Winning or losing is communal
In plenty and in misfortune
A people remain one

Wandez

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HOW TO APPROACH GIRLS IN CAMPUS WITHOUT APPEARING AWKWARD

Two of the biggest challenges a campus boy faces in seduction process is how to start a convo with a girl and how to climax and finish it without appearing awkward. You spot a really fine chick walking merrily in a group of bevy of beauties and you feel intimidated. You want to approach her but again you feel like your vibe might backfire.

Approaching girls in campus is not a cake in the mouth matter. As guys we've all found ourselves, at one point in time standing back and rationalizing if it's the appropriate time to act. If it's hard enough approaching women in clubs where the environment invites social communication, then imagine how much harder it is in a learning environment.

No need to worry. This is how you approach girls in campus and hit the bulls eye.


Be a smart dresser

The way you are dressed matters a lot. Trust me a girl will snub you if you approach her with a rusted shirt that has a stain on the sleeve. She might not tell you but eventually you will realize it yourself. By being smart it doesn't mean you deplete your money on all the trendy clothes in the market. Just dress smartly. This gives a woman the impression that you are doing well in life.

All girls want guys who are decent and sartorially good looking, not normal men who just want sex without offering any security. Understand this - A girl decides whether they are interested or not even before you talk to them. If she sees that you look like a focused guy, she will entertain your vibe. Otherwise she will give you hell.


Approach a girl when she is walking slowly

If a girl is rushing to classes, you have zero chances of getting her. You will just end up doing a walk race that will leave you mortified and embarrassed. Close in when she is walking slowly probably to her hostel or maybe in a crowded area. In that instance you are somehow covered and no one will notice if you get rejected. Also, she won't see you coming when there are people around.

Just because you know that you are a nice guy doesn't mean that she does. When you approach a campus girl, it is important for you to know that most will be caught by surprise (if it's a place where approaches aren't usually made) so they can snub you. This is normal, and the most important thing is for you to come across as a harmless guy. Take it slowly and talk kindly. If you feel that things aren't going so well, withdraw quickly.


Lenga tabia za kifisi

You are obviously a fisi but avoid looking like one. Some guys keep on sabotaging any good chances they have by keeping their eyes fixed down on a woman's breasts or buttocks. Instead, keep your eyes locked onto hers all the time. Remember you want her to think of you as a brave, romantic guy who will take her to cloud nine rather than a thirsty guy who eyes every pretty face that passes by. The way she looks at you helps whether to initiate a courtship salvo or pull back. Don't force if she's looking uncomfortable.
The rules of Eye-contact.

1.If she looks down, she's instantly attracted but shy

2.If she looks at you only for a second then looks away and stare at anything else apart from you, she's not interested at all.

3.If she holds eye contact with you intensely she is interested in whatever you want to say.


Self-confidence pays

Calm your nerves. No need to pant and have your heart racing like an athlete talking to a news reporter. Some guys tend to get nervous when talking to girls and act like they are about to delve into a marriage proposal that their lives depend on. By acting in such a way they appear desperate. Relax it's a simple approach all you need is to say "Sasa" and create a normal non-sexual conversation. Don't try to pick up lines. Just talk normally the way you talk to other chics. Understand this-women love confident men.


Process 2

HOW TO ASK FOR HER NUMBER WITHOUT APPEARING CREEPY.

The absolute best way to leave with her contact is to ASSUME THE SALE.

What am I talking about? Simply hand her your smart phone and say

"Key in your number. I'll hit you up with a plan sometime."

Say it with a wry smile. She won't knock your phone away. Trust me.

Why does this work so well?

1.It's a boss move. By handing her the phone, you are taking charge of the situation. You are also not asking, you are demanding politely. Women get wet over dominant men.

2. It's a show of masculinity. Great men curve out their own path. They don't beg to be allowed in. In a world where men are begging and asking for phone numbers from women you will be telling her to put her number in.

3.It gives her expectations of greater things ahead. She knows that she is not giving her number for  nothing. She knows you will give her fun times.


What if she says she has a boyfriend?

Simply say :

"You have a boyfriend?"That's great. So does my girlfriend.

Or

"Who said I want to take his role."


And what if you meet the kind of chic who say "No" before you even say anything?


Once in a while you will encounter the NO girl. Before you even cough a syllable, she shots her hand and shouts "NO" or "JIPE SHUGLI." and there you are looking all embarrassed and confused! Your friends are probably laughing at you. Don't worry. No need to fret.

This type of chic is usually an average bimbo who thinks she's the hottest being on planet earth. Her programmed autonomic rejection is just an act she puts on for the sorry purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego.
Truly hot chics in campus don't do this nonsense because :


1.They aren't approached that often by men, most men are scared of them mostly because their beauty intimidate most men.

2.They don't have to be bitchy towards men to look cool

3.They are Sirenic in nature. According to the book "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. A Siren is a beautiful woman who every man admires but they dare not approach her since they are not sure if they can handle her. Cleopatra of Egypt was a siren,Helen of Troy was the greatest siren to have ever existed. Sara Maldonado, the most beautiful woman in North America is also a siren.  


The NO chic is often found in groups of her BFFs because it is fun for her to reject a guy to the amusement of her cackling bitch friends.


DON'T LET HER HUMILIATE  YOU


If you display resentment or appear insulted you are letting the NO girl win. Learn how to dismiss her faggy theatrics with honed reaction such as these:


THE NO GIRL:*Hand shot up*No

YOU:Hey chill, nilikuwa nataka kukuliza kama wewe ndio umenyamba

Hahaha

Or


Hey chill out, Nilikuwa nataka kukwambia uko na sukuma kwa meno.



Telling her to chill out is important because you are avoiding humiliation by humiliating her instead. You want everyone within earshot distance to understand she is crazy for reacting so hostile. Social shaming is a bitch taming. Any day, anytime.

Alternative version


THE NO CHIC :*Hands shot up *No

YOU:Hey chill out. I came over to talk to your friend.


There is also the non-verbal response.


THE NO GIRL:*Hand shot up*No

YOU:High five the girl`s hand and walk away.

Happy hunting and remember the number is just the beginning and should be the last resort. All the best.

Photo credit - Jane Wanji(model) 

Written by Ben Mugambi 

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KEY POINTS PICKED FROM PROFESSOR GETENGA’S TALK ON ACADEMIC WRITING

For the better part of my campus life, I haven’t gotten to be in the audience of an inspiring, motivating and encouraging session such as that we had with Professor Getenga on the night of 30^th Feb 2018 at the Writers Guild Chuka Meeting.

The talk was divided into two inspirational parts, one being subjective and the other objective. In the first part, Prof shared his own story, right from his birth, the challenges he faced to get to where he is and how it has been being where he is at the moment. The following are some of the key points I picked from this first part;

#1. Your life is yours if you’re willing to take it

In the traditional set-up in which Prof. Getenga was born, getting an education was the last option anyone had in life considering the many challenges that were glued to it. The area chief had to forcefully sell his father’s flock in order to keep him in school, he couldn’t afford a government school despite passing so well, had his exams cancelled at form four, but still never gave up on education.

The most inspiring part is actually when he had to give up his lifetime dream of becoming an engineer just because his high school couldn’t offer him Physics. Who does that? Just imagining if that was me, I would even transfer to a Ugandan school just to do what I want. I’m not saying it’s wrong to follow dreams and to work hard for them, but sometimes, we focus so much on the closed door that we don’t even see the open doors. If Prof. had stood for Physics no matter what, right now, Chuka University would be lacking a professor in Analytical and Environmental Chemistry and a Director of Research.

We do not know our destiny and despite knowing what we want, we don’t know what we need. So let’s not pretend like we can decide our own destiny. We can try, fail, try again, fail and keep trying, but if we keep ignoring open doors because we want better…, hmm…, I don’t even know what might happen.

#2. Failure is not the end your story, it is the beginning of your comeback story

I’m sure you’ve heard a thousand stories of those who failed and tried again until they succeeded. But here is another one. Prof. Getenga passed CPE very well but couldn’t join a government sponsored school due to fee, but still joined a Harambee school and pushed on with life. His exams were cancelled in form four due to incrimination by a fellow, but still didn’t quit, decided to repeat, and passed. He was denied the chance to do Physics in high school, which would enable him do engineering, his dream course, but still didn’t quit. Probably, that’s the only reason he’s now a professor of Chemistry.

‘Failure is success in progress’, so said Einstein. Even Prof. Getenga echoed it, do not give up despite the turbulence on the way. Obstacles are there to make you better. If you fail, get up and try again. If you fail again, don’t worry, just get up and try again. If you aren’t dead, you haven’t failed entirely. You still have a chance.

#3. Don’t collect money, collect memories

You can sit down with Prof. Getenga talking about the people he has met, the places he has been, the things he has done, and you’d only be removed by dusk and the following morning you’d be sure to be right at his feet. It is so adorable. Money, we will leave when we die. But memories are part of us, we will take them with us to the grave and we will cherish them forever. I do tell some minions that it is not always about money. Not everything I do is about money.

Echoing Prof. Getenga’s words, “I might not have a lot of money, but I am proud of the life I have lived. I am better off than those who have amassed wealth through ungodly ways.” I am not dedicating my life to collecting wealth, I am devoting myself to collecting memories. And some day when I’ll be old, on my deathbed, I won’t be looking with agitation at the wealth I have collected that can’t save me from the face of death or make me young again, but I will be thinking of all the memories I’ve collected and smiling all the way into eternity.

#4. Humility is not just a virtue, it is the best principle

Did you know, that in the whole of Chuka University, there are only four full professors, and Prof. Getenga is one of them, alongside the VC and the two DVCs. All the rest are called professors but are simply associate professors. Again, just in case you didn’t know, Prof. Getenga is the director of research, extension and publications in Chuka University. But still, he could lower himself to the level of talking to the young minds at Writers Guid, encouraging and mentoring them. How many professors can do that? Let alone professors, there are some assistant lecturers who are too ‘busy’ to even e consulted for just 20 minutes.

I have gotten to see Prof. Getenga’s humility for myself, and it made me happy that he associated it greatly with his success. This was even echoed by Joshua, the best graduating student of 2018, who accompanied professor. If you aren’t humble, then it isn’t far you’re reaching.

In the second part of the talk, which was more of objective, Prof. Getenga tried to answer some of the most disturbing questions about academic writing. I picked up these key points;

#1. Acadmic writing is different from online writing

If you came with the thought that academic writing implies that stuff you do online and then get paid, I’m sure you were disappointed. No one would invite a professor to talk about that kind of stuff. Anyway, online writing is a talk for another day, but clearly, it isn’t anywhere close to academic writing from how professor described academic writing.

#2. Academic writing is built on research

I know many must have thought earlier that academic writing is writing for academic purposes. However, prof. clearly described what academic writing entails and the process of producing an academic paper.

In layman’s terms. Academic writing is the process of coming up with an academic paper. An academic paper is a document in which the findings of a research has been documented. A research is a systematic investigation of an issue in order to provide a solution.

#3. There is no need to write an academic paper if you don’t know how to

For an academic paper to be published in a recognised credible journal, it has to meet given set standards. If it can’t meet the standards, then it can’t be published. Therefore, at an undergraduate level, students are taught research methods for the first time in fourth year. Before then, a student might not be equipped with the right skills to write an academic paper and therefore trying to might be a waste of time. Professor’s indirect advice was therefore that it is better to wait till fourth-year in order to write an academic paper, but of course, trying is not forbidden, and personal learning is not forbidden either.

#4. The process of publishing an academic paper

In order to get an academic paper to be published, one has to go through a given process. First, after reaching out to the publisher/editor in chief of a research journal, one is provided with a set of instructions known as instructions to authors. Within is contained the objectives of the journal and the formats in which the journal’s papers are presented. Once an author affirms that his/her paper conforms to the particular journal, then it is forwarded for consideration.

The chief editor reviews the paper if it fits for publication in the journal. If it is, it does, it is considered for publication. If it doesn’t, it is not considered. Once the paper passes that stage, it is sent to three different peer reviewers, who review the paper again to see if it is suitable for publication. The reviewers check for such things as plagiarism, authenticity, if the paper is presenting anything new, among other things. If the paper passes this stage as well, it will surely be published.

#5. Take your fourth-year project serious

If you ever dream of becoming an academician (a professor), then the journey begins with your fourth year project. Apart from the post-doc studies, it is the publications you make that make you rise from a senior lecturer, to an associate professor and finally to a professor. Therefore, the fourth-year project is just the first among many for an academician and should thus be taken with a lot of seriousness.

There you have it friends. I hope you grasp something as well. If you grasped something I didn’t capture, please add it in the comments section for everyone to learn it as well.

by Vincent Owino

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IN THIS MOMENT by Allan Irrow

I've flown to the future,

To those castles we've built not yet,

To the adventures we've had not yet,

To those moments we've spent not yet,

And those dreams we've lived not yet,

But I want to stay, in this moment.

What if the next moment finds us not as us,

But as you and me, apart,

Or what if it finds you, and my lifeless body,

Will you be able to recall,

The priceless moments we shared,

The timeless memories we created,

So I want to stay, in this moment.

To walk away from this moment, I want not,

From the moment,

When you let me trust you, and trusted me back,

When you let me love you, and loved me back

When you let me see your worst, and best.

I want to stay, in this moment.

If I could; I'd pause this moment.

If I could, I'd halt the seconds.

If I could, I'd freeze time, and let us strand,

Forever, in this moment,

Because in this moment, you are mine. 

by Allan Irrow 

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Friends

Well there are those that
Care enough to stick around
There are those loyal enough
To come through for you
No matter what and
There're those who will use
And toss you when
You are no longer juicy

I am privilege to have met
Every single one of this friends
And strangely i don't
Regret knowing either
See
Some may have been trying
To pull me down and
Some trying to build me up

Just like setting up a building
First you must break ground
Destroy and painfully level
Then step by step
Brick after brick raise it
But that they didn't realize

Believe it not friends
You did all that to me for me
And always there for me
Or at least with me
See then when i was sad
Your smile kept me going
I was lonely you kept me company

I shall cherish memories shared
And in my heart you are immortal
We may part but i shall remember
Goodbyes and the stupid farewells
I am so sad
I wish there was another way

But even we don't meet again
And the mind forgets you
Rest assured my heart will
Always remember
Tell you what
You are all my friends
You are my family

wandez.. 

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THE TYPES OF WOMEN I'VE SEEN by Demus Munene

I have seen different kinds of women. Starts from the moment I started dating. Then the evolution started.

I have seen women with hearts like stone. No!  Stone isn't the right word. Is there a word for a heart that beats with no sound making you wonder if it's even there. Is there a word for a being that makes you feel the butterflies in your stomach just let you realize it's all just in your head. A heart that retains your finger print just to put you in a contact list that will only be used when in need of something. Is there a word for that? 

I don't know but if someday you decide to become that kind of woman, make sure you have all the  right reasons for it and remember you have me to not turn into that kind.

I have seen women who value what they see more than what they feel. women who think of quantity way more than quality. I have been approached with far too many pickup lines that let me see through their full being the second they opened their mouth. The type of women who rush to make a man's body their temple and worship him just to convert the second there's a better looking one insight.

So if someday you decide to become that kind of woman be careful not to mistake lust for love and remember you have me to not turn into that kind.

I have seen good women. The kind of women that make you wonder what the world would be like if they didn't exist. The kind of women that make you experience that feeling you used to have as a kid when you see the ice cream truck coming. The kind of women who will put their finger print on your soul not because they're scared of oblivion but because you are the the centerpiece of their addiction and they just can't keep their hands off you. I have seen the kind of women with such a good heart and they don't even know it and that makes them indefinable.

So if someday you decide to become that kind of woman make sure not to let your kindness be taken for weakness and remember you have me not to let that happen.

©Prince_Demus

by Munene Demus (Prince_Demus)

Photo Credits: Adique Photography.

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'MASIPONSA' by Riziki Tokal

Ninakuja kwa makeke, ujumbe wangu kusema,

Ili kwenu usikike, vijana watu wazima,

Hasa kwa wana wa kike, kutunza yetu heshima,

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama.

Imekuwa lalamiko, toka bara hadi pwani,

Vimesheheni vituko, masiponsa vileleni,

Chunga hao ni wanoko, hawakupendi yakini,

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama.

Ni wakwasi kwelikweli, pesa tele mifukoni,

Lakini ni makatili, pulika wangu mwendani,

Bura yako sibadili, kwa kutamani rehani,

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama,

Usifuate tamaa, ukasahau mauti,

Hawachoki kuhadaa, kwa huba za chokileti,

Wakikufwata kataa, sihadaike na noti,

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama.

Thamani kwao hauna, chunga hao ni mafisi,

Pindi wakishakuchuna, watatoweka kwa kasi,

Na katu hutawaona, imekwisha yenu kesi,

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama.

Acheni kujiumbua, kwa kuvitaka vya ghali,

Masiponsa wanaua, ina sumu yao mili,

Wahepeni nawambia, wanashinda Pilipili.

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama,

Mwisho hapa natuama, siwezi tena andika,

Ujumbe niliosema, ushikeni kwa haraka,

Musije uweke nyuma, moyoni kuufundika,

Si watu waone vile, masiponsa ni wanyama

Na Riziki Tokal

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SOCIETAL DECAY THAT STENCHES.

I am not one of those political analysts who waste our precious time on TV in the guise of breaking down the political atmosphere of the country to the common Mwananchi, while at the same time using Byzantine words and uttering ambiguity. I still wonder how they expect the common citizen to understand all that English of the nose. I am of the strong view that they should stick to practicing their political analysis in lecture theatres and leave us alone to enjoy our soap operas in peace.

Anyway, away from our learned friends. I am still holed up in a Kamukunji with me, myself and I still arguing as to whether I should blast some people with insults because of their blatant display of ignorance as they continuously cause mother earth pain due to their nature-destructive ways.  I hope none of my fiery insults will find themselves in any of the following sentences, as I hit the keys on this board, but if they do, well, I am so not sorry!

First, I will address myself to our honorable leaders who after all, are not so honorable anyway. I still don’t understand how a representative of the people will stab at the back, the same people who so generously showered them with their precious votes during the elections! Your people cry of food insecurity, but hey! Look who just grabbed land in a wetland and put up huge buildings there? Your people cry of water shortage but look! Who just cleared acres of forest for their pockets sake? Your people cry of their land giving up on them, look! Who just dumped tons and tons of waste on agricultural land? look who just signed the papers illegally for some rich tycoon to set up shop next to our rivers and when diseases break out, we have no one to turn to because your evil, twisted ways push us down the drains, and our lives become much more unbearable. Your political gimmicks our dear leaders, are the end of Mother Nature, and when she is gone, we go down with her.

To my fellow citizens, I am now very sick and tired of your ignorance and continuous pathetic excuses of “I didn’t know”. Doesn’t that repetition burst your eardrums?! You dump domestic waste anyhow, a walk down these streets tell of a tale of waste, sore to the eye and your excuse? It’s the government’s work to take care of your waste for you. Till when for you to stop shifting your responsibilities to others. You cut down trees for fuel, and you expect us to let you be because it’s your only source of fuel, how ignorant? You don’t even care about what you are cutting down, as long as its’ physical attributes are fit for it to be called a tree, then fire wood and charcoal it becomes. You don’t care how many elephants are remaining in the world, but as long as its tusks are large enough for some hefty notes and silver, then it’s game for you.

If the Pharisees during Jesus’ time were still alive, then am pretty sure they would be complaining to him for calling them hypocrites while the big ones are you and me. Our fear of responsibility and over dependence of the government has turned us into robots who can’t think for themselves. We are a people with eyes but do not see what we are turning our world into, a people with ears but can’t hear mother earth’s cry of help, because we are so engulfed in exploiting her resources that we don’t see the harm we do to her. The moment she strikes back, everyone is up in arms shifting blames and pointing an accusing finger to the governments of the day, forgetting, not even the strongest or most stable government can tone down Mother Nature’s vengeance, because, she hits where it hurts the most.
        By Githinji Kiiru.                    

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RIDHIKENI

Salamu kwa kina dada, nimekuja kuwaponza
Nawaombeni wenu muda, hoja nipate kuzihonza
Lamu mpaka chuda, niwajuze kinacho nikinza
Itakuwaje mliwe na babu buda, ilihali rika zenu mwatulunza

Wakutosha ninao ushuhuda, wengi kuuliwa na sponsor
Kisa kulipia misaada, ya wao nyie kuwatunza
Obado Sharon wakavimbada, na kitoto mwisho kukifyonza
Nikiwapa Hii taarifa labda, mtapata kujifunza

Ridhikeni na hali zenu, sikimbilie paka mzee
Upatacho ngali finyu, mauti sijilimbikize
Ni hatari si fununu, kutoroka we jikaze
Madondo chapo ndio menu, 5 star sivizevize

Jowi na Monica, Habari hizi zishawafikia
Maskini na visu akadungika, bila hata kuhurumia
Kisa kudata daka, na yeyote anayemvizia
Jambo hili latia shaka, yaarabi najililia

Nasibu natapatapa, simanzi menikazia
Wino meshuka paa, sakafuni memalizia
Wachaneni na kina papa, mwisho wao kujutia
Kikomo nakieka hapa, siwafanye zidi kulia

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TOMORROW COMES

I know for sure that tomorrow comes

And I will not be afraid of it as I’ve always been

Though it’s a day closer to my grave

Though it’s a day closer to the end of the world

Though it’s a day closer to losing my senses

It’s a day closer to becoming a nobody

I will not be afraid of it when it comes.

Gone are the days when I feared tomorrow

For gone are the days when today was worth

I wouldn’t say the same of yesterday though

For gone are the days when life was worth

And I know I’ve had no boldness to face tomorrow

But then it seems I will have to borrow

Because tomorrow comes, so let it come

Tomorrow was my biggest worry

Because I feared the consequences of my today

And being haunted by the choices of yesterday

Feared living to compensate the past

But that past is mine

If I could only mount it to someone else

Then maybe I would love tomorrow

But would never deserve to see it

Now tomorrow is my greatest desire

Because it is my only hope

Hope of correcting my mistakes of today and yesterday

Hope that the road will rise up to meet me

Hope of waking up to a sober and peaceful nation

Hope of waking up to see a smile on my mom’s face

Hope of waking up to a totally new life

This is the best thought then: tomorrow comes

It comes for me, to have another chance.

                                           

                                                      by Vincent Owino

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VOICE OF A MOTHER.

I was never born a haggard harlot
Back then, I had a soft heart
That believed sex was only a procreation act
I never chose to be a deviant
I was just tender and bright
When life shone on me a different kind of light
A light that turned me into the leathery faced town whore.

They say sex is like a river
And a river can bring life to a place
My river gave me a daughter
However, upon floods
The same river destroys
And that’s how my gift turned me into a leathery faced town whore.

I was fifteen when I conceived
My mother said I was deceived
And homeless I was declared
As a teen I was jobless
And as a young mother, I became helpless
I had no one to turn to; I was vulnerable
I guess that when my life became two faced.

I might have fallen harder
But I believed in my beloved daughter
Her future was under
Still unclear but tender
And I knew a home without a daughter
Is like a spring without a source
I guess that was my motivation.

I worked my body
I buried my feelings deep inside me
I let the hurts of me be caged on my walls
I let men feast on me
I decided to hire myself since no one was willing to help
And that how my opinion for sex turned into an economic act.

I was her mother
I was her father
I always made sure bread was available
For her I was always reliable
Clothes she never lacked
A normal life she lived
And I made sure she believed that I was the most hardworking woman ever.

Now that she has grown
To a fine woman
It is my prayer that school doesn’t teach her to hate my job
I hope when I tell her my story she will not be a snob
I hope she never curses the loins that gave birth to her
I hope she grows to be better
I pray that someday she understands
I became a whore
Because I believed in her future.
  Humphrey.

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THE GAME

I was not created to accept you the way you are, I can and might try but it's not guaranteed, and so I ask of you one thing, to understand me. For I am but a human and I am built to criticize and to judge in order to feed my existence. 

So be rude to me too and kill my pride, beliefs and hopes. And let's spend our days with plastic smiles and inverted frowns, clearly forced. 

Then one day I will wake up and do what the rest did, for all I know ...at one point in life everyone will leave you and hand you over to life and even life itself will get rid of you and dispose of you to death. 

So tell me what expectations do have of me when even the forces greater than me are against you. 

So leave me be for we are all in this game of Life and death and I am playing for survival, whatever it takes It's your time now, the time for your initiation is near, pay your price and onto the next stage go ... 

But as you go please remember, I applied for none of this and none of this can I change, I am simply following the rules of the game, Game of Life and death. 

by Damaris Amondi

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